Helping Teens Avoid Cyber Harassment
And Manage Their Social Lives Online
Preparing a teenager for independence begins as early as freshman year of high school. It’s when students and parents begin to plan for the next chapter in abstract ways at first, but with ever-growing intensity. Along the way, there’ll be conversations with school counselors and teachers, college prep classes or vocational training, and of course the endless stream of questions from family and friends: “So, what will they do after high school?”
Most parents, even if their teens are as young as middle school-age, are aware that the social scene for young people is different now than in any previous generation. Which is why, at a time when families should be going to college tours and job fairs, they are also worrying over whether their teen can navigate the social scene in a way that avoids sexual harm to themselves or others.
This concern stems in large part, from the profound impact screens have had on the way teens respond to and understand the world. Fifty percent of young people report that they’re addicted to the internet, though one could argue the numbers are much higher. Phones are like the new all-in-one textbook, a place where teens navigate the social scene, their school schedule, research for classes, or the latest cool TikTok video. Phones are the center-point of life, for good or ill, and have allowed Generation Z to be highly informed. But if we aren’t careful, phones will also be the default educator when it comes to sex and relationships, which is why many parents feel that trying to manage their teenager’s screen use, is like trying to manage a runaway train.
There’s the added concern from the Department of Education, who recently reported that sexual assault is more prevalent among adolescents than any other group. Likewise, according to the Pew Research Center, “59% of U.S. teens have been bullied or harassed online, and a similar share says it's a major problem for people their age. At the same time, teens mostly think teachers, social media companies and politicians are failing at addressing this issue.”
As a result, a sort of suspended sense of dread occurs, that both teens and adults experience in different ways. Many high school-age girls report that requests for nude pictures are a weekly occurrence. Peggy Orenstein, who interviewed dozens of boys for her book, Boys and Sex, found that college-age men are reporting that an early addiction to pornography “ruined” their ability for healthy relationships. Meanwhile, parents are arming their graduating seniors with mace and pepper spray.
But what if instead, we gave teens the kind of tools that aren’t carried in a purse or backpack, but exist inside of them, and can make a huge difference in a moment of risk?
Given the runaway train phenomenon of screen-life, the divide between the generations has grown. Most parents report they don’t know what influences their teen online. Most teens report they would not share these influences with their parents. Orenstein interviewed more than a hundred and fifty teens for her books Boys and Sex and Girls and Sex. She found that teens of all genders are using porn as a kind of sexual textbook, one that has led to an increase in aggressive sexual behavior for boys, and an increase in submissive behavior for girls.
Opening up concrete dialogue about the negative effects of porn, for example, or how to respond to illegal requests like nude pics, helps dissipate the fear and worry adults often feel. It takes our eyes off of the runaway train and allows us to focus on the hearts and minds of the teens we care about. Teenagers are more likely to use their screens as a primary source of information, but the upside is that they are also much more capable of talking about difficult subjects objectively.
So, where do parents begin when cyber space is like the wild west? Having concrete discussions about the kinds of content teens will navigate online builds discretionary thinking and the ability to exercise common sense in the midst of what has largely become a virtual free-for-all.
Here are some basic legal facts that every teen should know when it comes to managing their online presence:
Understanding Cyber Harassment and the Law
Remember that cyber harassment (including sharing naked pictures online) is against the law. An offense can lead to jail time and a permanent record, along with significantly harming your chances of future employment, since most employers check social media and online sources before hiring.
Carrie Goldberg, New York attorney and director of the Cyber Civil Rights Institute, advises victims of cyber harassment to record the evidence. If you’re aware that photos of you are being broadcast online, take screenshots of the posts and relevant internet search results for your name.
Record URLs and messages. Save this information on your computer, but also print out a copy to take to the police.
“With the exception of hacking cases, ninety-nine percent of the time victims know exactly who is responsible, and it’s very provable with IP [addresses], login, and other cyber forensic information,” Goldberg told CNN.
Think more than twice about letting someone film or take pictures of your naked body. These are not for posterity. A long-term committed relationship with privacy settings in place is one thing, but even then, you can never guarantee the relationship won’t one day go sour, leaving the potential for those intimate pictures to be shared with someone you would never want to see them. Remember: once it’s online, you can’t take it back again.
At Be Strong, Be Wise, our goal is to help teens be informed, not afraid. When we begin our healthy relationships course for teens, I always tell students that the statistics are in their favor. It is more likely they will not experience assault than that they will. But they also deserve to know the larger context when it comes to the research.
Acknowledging what the Department of Education is reporting creates a starting point for effective conversation. For help on how to continue these important discussions with your teen, or to find out more about our courses, visit https://www.bestrongbewise.com or email amy@bestrongbewise.com. We are here to help!