I’m Concerned About My Friends

A Teen’s Perspective on the Effects of Pornography and the Challenges Boys Face

“My friends often ask my advice on this stuff,” said fifteen-year-old Ben Langley (whose name has been changed to protect privacy). “They know I came through to the other side of it.”

Sitting in a quiet coffee shop on a cold November morning, Ben talked with me about the social scene for teens in high school, and his own journey of self-discovery in response to it all.  As a freshman, Ben is just beginning his high school career, but he’s long been aware of the social pressures teens navigate. Popular among his classmates, Ben is a star athlete slated for student government. His parents are active in the community and in Ben’s life. Among his circle of friends, he is sought out as a leader because he cares deeply about the struggles that teenagers, especially boys, face in today’s world.

It doesn’t take someone like me long to realize that Ben Langley is fundamentally a really good kid. This becomes even more clear as Ben bravely shares the details of a challenge he used to have in middle school, and that he sees his friends still burdened by.

“I didn’t know when to stop or what was too much,” Ben admitted, referencing his frequent attempts to text one of his first teen crushes in sixth grade. “She told me it bothered her but I didn’t listen. I had no idea how negatively I was affecting her. Now I know I was basically harassing her.”

Ben has observed many of his peers continuing the behavior in high school, but he himself caught a lucky break. In eighth grade, he decided to share his feelings of regret with the girl he had harassed. He told her he felt terrible, but at the time, he didn’t know how to stop. After his apology, the two began to spend more time together, and talked through all that had happened. She told Ben that at one point, she didn’t even want to go to school because of all his texting. The more they hung out, the more they both realized they had a lot in common.

“So, yeah,” Ben grinned, proudly, “She’s now my girlfriend.”

 Being in a romantic relationship with someone he respects and has a friendship with, has been a game changer for Ben. “The guys who are getting girlfriends are the ones learning about self-control. I had to learn that too,” he states.

Teens and Pornography Addictions

 Ben went on to say that one of the primary difficulties he and other boys face, is finding pornography so irresistible. “Every guy I know fiends for it,” he declared, adding for effect, “I mean, every guy.”

As a sexual ethics educator, none of this is news to me. But hearing it from a young person who has lived both sides of the equation, is rare indeed. Especially since Ben himself requested to have the conversation. As we continued our chat, it was clear he needed to share his worries with someone.

“I’m concerned about my friends because they don’t know how to stop. I used to watch porn too, but now I have a girlfriend. I saw how when we first got together, I had the wrong expectations of what intimacy is. So, I know that I can’t go back to that and have a healthy relationship,” said Ben.

Pornography sites are just one place that teens go to learn about the sex experience. And Ben is not the only young person to realize that porn is a trap set to sell products, rather than help teens understand the truth about sex.

 “There’s a lot of awful stuff out there,” said Ben. “TikTok and music videos too. Guys watch it and think ‘it’s funny.’ But when they try to start a relationship, all their mind is seeing is crazy sex stuff, and then there’s crazy expectations about how the girl is supposed to behave.”

When we began talking about teenagers requesting and sharing nude pictures, something Ben and I agreed happens with all genders, he gave me a piece of information I had not heard before: “The boys at school who are worried about the girls filing a report on them, will just go to girls in other school districts.”

Teach Teens to Respect Boundaries

According to Ben, the challenge of respecting boundaries began in sixth grade, at a time when most adults think the allure of pornography is a long way off.

“When I was in sixth grade, there was stuff going on with guys and girls that made me nervous. This one guy was in a ‘talking phase’ with a girl he wanted to date and one day he leaned in to kiss her. The girl was resistant but did kiss him. Then she told her friends that she didn’t want the kiss. The guy was put in a hard position because after that, he had a reputation for not respecting boundaries. I told him he crossed a line, but this kind of thing happens a lot.”

 The problem of respecting boundaries was addressed more broadly when the Vice Principal at Ben’s middle school sat down a group of thirty-five girls and boys and discussed the subject of sexual harassment. “That’s when I realized what I was doing with all my texting, was wrong,” said Ben.

Although Ben made a clear decision to end his harassing behavior, his saw his peers continue to struggle.

 “My observation was that by the time we got to eighth grade, there were a lot of mistakes happening. It’s when testosterone is peaking, and guys have the hardest time filtering words or knowing when to stop.”

What was crystal clear to me in talking with Ben, is the great relief he now has, being on the other side of such challenges at the same time he’s in a relationship with someone he cares deeply about. Equally clear was the earnest desire that his friends come to know the same reality.

“What me and my girlfriend have together is our own private thing, and we love it that way. We respect each other and listen to each other…it’s better than I ever imagined it could be.”

After leaving the coffee shop, we walked down the windy street of town and I thought about how refreshing it was to hear a success story like Ben’s, since unfortunately I hear much more of the opposite. Equally refreshing was the opportunity to be inspired by someone who cares for his friends’ well-being and is seeking positive change. 

As we said goodbye, Ben flashed another proud grin when I remarked, “Your girlfriend is a really lucky gal.” My guess is she knows it.

 At Be Strong, Be Wise, we welcome the opportunity to have conversations with young people like Ben. Teenagers are the experts of their own lived experience, and when we can share dialogue with each other, we support the same goal: building healthy relationships.

For more information on our BSBW course for youth, where teens have an opportunity to learn ways of communicating and respecting boundaries (among many other things!), check out: https://www.bestrongbewise.com/programs-for-youth