“It Was an Animal That Had to Be Fed”
Understanding Toxic Peer Pressure: One Man’s Survivor Story
As I prepared for the zoom call that day, I knew I would hear a difficult account of sexual assault. What I didn’t know was how much James’s story would exemplify the risk variables we explore so often in our course.
James, my friend and fellow advocate, had been waiting to share what happened to him at age seventeen, a story he had never told anyone but his wife. As I listened, the details stood out to me- those aspects of the account that James had been haunted by for more than three decades. The details were what he was keen to tell me, having been locked inside of him for so long. Within them, we find disturbing trends of toxic masculinity and peer pressure that have reached a fevered pitch today and are creating intense challenges for teens.
“In high school, I was class President, popular and a multi-sport athlete. I was also outspoken about my virginity, which was something I felt proud of, since I had control over that part of my life and could decide on my own when I was ready to have sex. It was almost disgusting how much of an issue it was for my friends that I was a virgin. Among my peers, I became an outlaw, and was ‘otherized’ because of my choices.”
His friends arranged a plan one night, to take James to an abandoned airstrip where the group would “hang out and have fun.” James was amazed at how much alcohol they brought for such a small group.
“We were supposed to go to the dance club, but the plan changed at the last minute. They got me to start drinking and started pushing alcohol on me. They knew I wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t drunk. That night, every aspect of the evening was orchestrated. They pushed me to drink and pushed drinking games. They were looking to create a scenario for date rape.”
Within his account, James offers an adult perspective that contains the empathy and compassion he brings to his work with youth:
“The girl had a crush on me and really wanted to be in a relationship with me. I believe that, for her, it was not about conquest. There was definitely a ringleader in that group, and I think he planned most of it, and convinced her too. The incident happened in a parking lot at Denny’s restaurant after the rest of the group left us alone in the car. She was coercive and made comments about having sex. When I was severely intoxicated, she took out a condom and began unzipping my pants. Afterward, we walked back into Denny’s, and my friends erupted in applause as though it were a football game. After that night, she completely stopped interacting with me as a friend.”
Hearing James’s account, I was struck by the way his words matched the statements I’ve heard so often from female survivors: “I was confused about what happened and blamed myself,” he said. “I still blame myself.”
Toxic Peer Pressure
When we think of peer pressure, we often think about such things as how much or how little a friend is pressured to drink, or what type of clothing to wear, or group activities to engage in. We don’t always think of sex. And yet, more and more, we are hearing about the harmful effects of peer pressure among teens, especially young men, who are pushed to engage in a lot of sexual activity, often before they are ready.
“After that night, I had a different approach to sex. I didn’t view it as something special. It wasn’t until I met my wife that that changed. The peer pressure didn’t go away, either. One time wasn’t enough; they wanted me to be as invested in the game as they were. The game of going out and getting drunk and hooking up with girls. Once they had, in essence, ‘broken me,’ the pressure became worse.”
As a middle-aged adult, James was recounting an experience that happened more than thirty years previous, when the goal of his peers was to “drink and hook up.” How much more intense is the experience of peer pressure now for teenagers?
I know James from his work as a youth advocate, educational consultant and anti-domestic violence activist. Hearing his story, we find an opportunity to examine closely, one of the primary influences (or variables) that inform assault outcomes. But more than that, we are provided a personal account from someone who has devoted his life to using his experience to help others.
Cause Versus Influence
The toxic peer pressure in James’s account allows us to distinguish Cause and Influence. Peer pressure influenced the perpetrator to commit assault that night, just as intoxication influenced James’s ability to protect his boundaries. But the offender is always the only responsible party, whose choices will or will not determine an outcome of rape.
James is a survivor of assault, but the secondary trauma of toxic peer pressure impacted his life significantly. The harassment he endured included constant ridicule: at the cafeteria lunch table, after school during sports practice, at weekend parties, and on the bus ride to school.
“The harassment was incessant. It was just a matter of time until the dam was going to break. The pressure was too constant and too great. It was such a toxic cycle, like an animal that had to be fed.”
Supporting teens in the fight against toxic peer pressure, means identifying its defining factors when they show up; for there are commonalities as true today as they were thirty years ago.
How Do We Know It’s Toxic Peer Pressure? Here are a few common attributes:
There’s an identified ringleader
Alcohol is involved
There’s an orchestrated change of plans that increases risk
An individual is targeted as the victim
The target is then objectified by the group in order to achieve their agenda
“The agenda” in James’s case, was not to get him to be willing to have sex, but to get him sufficiently incapable of resisting unwanted sex.
James acknowledges his experience as rape, something not every survivor can do. In his reflection on the event, we learn that it affected his life in major ways. We often forget the long-lasting scar of sexual trauma, one that makes no exception whether you identify as male, female or gender-other. If anything, given the expectations of boys in our culture, healing from assault can be a very isolating process, as it was for James.
“After that night, I stopped spending time with my old group of friends, and sought the company of female friends, almost exclusively. That one incident had vast impact on my ability to trust people, especially male friends. I felt like I failed myself. It’s still the hardest thing for me.”
It’s remarkable how much of James’s story rings true today, and how little we have been able to accomplish in stemming the tide of toxic peer pressure for youth. Given the massive impact of social media, James’s analogy of a dam doomed to break, feels eerily apropos of today’s world.
In closing our interview, I asked James what he would say to the seventeen-year-old version of himself. He didn’t hesitate in giving the answer: “Be kind to yourself.”
At Be Strong, Be Wise, we help teens respond to toxic behavior, by offering a step by step pathway for self-inquiry, skill-building, and group connection. But we also help teens develop a more confident, aware and compassionate relationship to themselves.
When there is open discourse that includes personal reflection and response tools, we are able to get closer to the goal of healthy relationship building for teenagers, one that supports their present-day lives but also sustains into adulthood.
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