Creating an Effective “Join-Up” With Young People
What Are the Top Ten Questions to Ask Teens About Sexual Ethics
In a time when sex education is severely limited (in many states to an “abstinence only” approach), it becomes imperative for caring adults to hold the hard conversations that fill in the gaps of what teens are not learning at school. The challenge for many is that we often project fear into these conversations. Fear that young people will reject our attempts; fear that we won’t know what to say; fear that there is just too much to cover so where do you start? All of these are common concerns when exploring sexual ethics with teens.
An extremely helpful starting point, for one’s own peace of mind, is to remember that having any conversation is better than having none.
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From Confusion to Clarity
How to Engage with Teens on the Subject of Consent
When it comes to consent and teens, there can be as many questions as there are answers. What do they know? What do they not know? There are endless amounts of information available on the topic, but how much of it is getting into the hearts and minds of young people? One can hardly walk through the halls of any given high school and not see posters directed at teaching students the meaning of consent. And yet, studies continue to show that most teens are confused by it. Something is not adding up. Given the messages teens receive in the media, we can no longer assume that a basic understanding of consent will stand firm against the tidal wave of misogyny and violent imagery that young people come across on their screens, as well as the tidal wave of conflicting information.
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“It Was an Animal That Had to Be Fed”
Understanding Toxic Peer Pressure: One Man’s Survivor Story
As I prepared for the zoom call that day, I knew I would hear a difficult account of sexual assault. What I didn’t know was how much James’s story would exemplify the risk variables we explore so often in our course. James, my friend and fellow advocate, had been waiting to share what happened to him at age seventeen, a story he had never told anyone but his wife. As I listened, the details stood out to me- those aspects of the account that James had been haunted by for more than three decades. The details were what he was keen to tell me, having been locked inside of him for so long. Within them, we find disturbing trends of toxic masculinity and peer pressure that have reached a fevered pitch today and are creating intense challenges for teens.
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Listening to LGBTQ+ Youth
The Destructive Force of Purity Culture on Self Esteem
In a series of interviews conducted earlier this year, I had the honor of hearing first-hand what LGBTQ Youth had to say on several subjects pertinent to every teenager: dating, social media, adult support (or lack thereof), homophobia, and the strengths of the new generation. It was inspiring to learn from each participant as they responded to some of the biggest influences in our culture. In the following article, I feature one of these voices. Here, you’ll read a personal account of the impact that “purity” based teaching has on young people, especially those who identify as LGBTQ. My guess is you will be as blown away as I was with the vulnerability and wisdom this young person brought to the table. When adults listen to the needs and perceptions of non-cis teens, we not only increase connection, we’re better able to support a population at higher risk of sexual assault and harassment.
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When a Teen Has Been Sexually Assaulted
Recognizing the Signs and Responding to Disclosure
While it’s frightening for adults to think about, the reality is that sexual assault statistics for teens is on the rise. Since it’s better to be in the know than in denial, here you’ll find the signs to look for as well as information on how to respond when and if someone you care about has been assaulted. Eighty percent of assaults occur with a known offender, which means there is often a relationship at stake. Given the increase in peer-on-peer assault cases, it can be difficult for victims to disclose at first. You may instead see changes to their behavior before anything is said aloud. It’s important to trust the readiness of each individual to discuss their experience when they are able. Nevertheless, certain signs often accompany an experience of sexual trauma.
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Breaking the Cycle: Navigating Victim Blaming and Gender Expectations with Teens
“Why is there so much victim blaming everywhere?” asked my young student, as we explored gender and culture and the forces that affect sexual safety for teens. She’s not alone in asking the question. As an educator, I myself continually try to wrap my head around it because the answer is multi-layered, existing in different areas that impact us daily. For example, with assaults overwhelmingly affecting girls, people of color and LGBTQ plus youth, we have to examine internalized sexism, racism and homophobia as contributing factors. If we examine these assumptions, assumptions that victims are forced to navigate as part of the legal process, we can understand how victim blaming in the legal arena influences victim blaming in our thinking.
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To Please or Pester
The Intersection of Gender Norms and Teen Dating Violence
During February’s Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, we have an opportunity to dig a little deeper into the forces affecting the choices teens make when it comes to something supremely important to them: dating. In many ways, the birds and the bees function as they always have. Teens of all genders and preferences are drawn romantically and sexually to other teens of all genders and preferences and hopefully along the way, the healthy end goal is met: a reciprocal attraction. But what happens when there is not a reciprocal attraction? What happens when the romance takes place via screens? Or under the influence? Or under coercion or manipulation?
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Teen Boys, Mental Health and the Rise of Sextortion
Each year, thousands of teens fall prey to blackmail, harassment, stolen personal information and sexual manipulation. The statistics on the issue are so disturbing, we’re at risk of numbing out due to the fear and overwhelm we ourselves can feel. But we can’t numb out, not when there are so many practical steps we can take to address it. Sextortion, sometimes known as "catfishing," is when someone is coerced into sending explicit images online and extorted for additional images or money. Young people are often targeted by someone they met online who obtained a sexual image from them through deceit, coercion, or some other method.
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When a Teen Has Been Cyber Bullied
How Adults Can Be Allies on the Road to Healing
Some of the most worrying experiences adults go through on behalf of young people have to do with people they will likely never meet, and a network of social connections they will likely never gain access to. Cyber bullying takes many forms, and all of them can impact teens’ mental health. While we always want to encourage reporting, we also need to be the allies they turn to in managing the difficult feelings afterward. This may or may not include a discussion of the details of the bullying if a teen is unwilling to share, but will certainly include an acknowledgement of their thoughts and feelings.
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Gender Norms and Teens
Finding a Voice Amid the Noise
It’s the tale as old as time; one that we all have lived in our own way with our own personal stories. Girls are expected to be affable; boys to be assertive. Girls are sensitive; boys are tough. Girls tend to nurture, boys tend to compete. The cultural forces that go into shaping the identities of boys, girls and non-binary teens are replete with gender expectations that have less to do with the individual essence of each teen, and more to do with the categories we are (consciously or no) happy to place them in. That’s why I loved Barbie. As someone who helps teens explore the negative impact of sexism on relationships, I was delighted to see a movie that portrays that impact so poignantly.
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“I Haven’t Seen a Curriculum Like It Anywhere”
What Schools Are Saying About BSBW
It’s the back-to-school time of year when the alarm clock sounds early and when families adjust to new schedules and busier days. Teachers who have prepared their classrooms, welcome a new tide of students for a year of growth and learning. Returning to fall routines can feel both hopeful and daunting, depending on the individual and the experience of school thus far. Back-to-school is also a time to check in on what parts of the school experience are “working” for students and teachers. What is increasing hope? If there are challenging aspects, what steps are being taken to address them?
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“Overall, I Don't Think Social Media Has Had a Positive Effect on Dating for My Generation”
An Interview with Two Young Adult “Experts” on Dating in the Digital Age
Social Media is both a blessing and curse for young people, as humans of any generation would agree. Social media creates connections, job opportunities, information, and (sometimes) uplifting content. Of course, there’s an enormous negative side as well, representing the struggle adults have with how much time teenagers spend on their phones.
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Translating Screen-Time to “Me Time”
Translating Screen-Time to “Me Time”
Most caring adults would prefer that their young ones spend less time online, and so most households engage in their own debate over the issue. But since there is no going back from the digital age, it’s important to name the ways that media exposure is positive for youth. They have the ability to: connect with needed support systems, create an online presence, join a social network, or access information quickly and efficiently. Most classrooms encourage digital research as a foundational component to education, which equips young people with the skills needed in higher education and the world at large.
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Protect and Respect
Teaching Teens About Sexual Ethics Means Getting Past The “Worry Block”
Sometimes the longest road is the one most traveled. When I was parenting my then-teenage daughter, I re-visited fear more times than I needed to. As an assault survivor, I feared she might go through a similar experience and that fear became an obstacle to her safety. Knowing it took me decades to heal from my own sexual trauma, I worked over-time in the worry department. The fact that I treat sexual trauma as a clinician, didn’t help matters much. I had the added worry of knowing how hard it was for my clients to heal from these painful stories, especially when it came to the self-blame and shame that so often accompany sexual trauma.
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If Trauma Had a Voice
How to Assist Teens in Managing Mental Health Needs
Trauma has a way of informing our experience of and reactions to life, in sometimes profound ways. Understanding these reactions, and how to manage them, can make a significant difference on the journey to recovery. Since 50% of assault survivors live with PTSD, the effects of trauma most often equate with some version of anxiety, whether mild or severe. But rarely is this anxiety clear-cut and simple. It can be accompanied by sadness or depression, and especially for young people, a sense of hopelessness: Will I ever feel safe again?
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“We’re Seeing Fewer Reports of Sexual Assault and Harassment”
Maine School Lowers Incidents of Sexual Misconduct School-Wide After Bringing in Be Strong, Be Wise
Two years ago, Camden Hills Regional High School, like many schools across the country, struggled with an overwhelming number of sexual assault and harassment reports among students. But now, the school reports that less students are reporting issues around consent, assault and harassment. “We are not dealing with these at all in the same way we were,” said Jeremy Marks, Head of Counseling at Camden Hills.
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Be Strong, Be Wise in Kwazulu-Natal
Shared Learning and Discovery in “The New South Africa” and the impact of American Porn on South African Youth
Young people circling the globe are learning that intimacy equates with violence and that rough sex is normal. Of course, this will translate to higher incidents of assault in the U.S. and higher rates of femicide in South Africa, a country that, mighty as it is, still struggles with finding true democracy in a post-Apartheid world. The BSBW workshop with Zulu young women was one crucial element in trying to plant the seeds of change.
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I’m Concerned About My Friends
A Teen’s Perspective on the Effects of Pornography and the Challenges Boys Face
Sitting in a quiet coffee shop on a cold November morning, Ben talked with me about the social scene for teens in high school, and his own journey of self-discovery in response to it all. “I’m concerned about my friends because they don’t know how to stop. I used to watch porn too, but now I have a girlfriend. I saw how when we first got together, I had the wrong expectations of what intimacy is. So, I know that I can’t go back to that and have a healthy relationship,” said Ben.
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Sexual Assault Awareness: What are the Top Ten Things Teens Need to Know?
About Their Personal Safety and Approach to Relationships
There are SO many topics to cover in helping teenagers manage the sexual landscape they navigate daily. As a way to start the conversation, here are ten of the most impactful teaching tools from the Be Strong, Be Wise course. These tools help teens identify what is true for them, which is crucial since they are in the process of finding their voice amid the noise of sex in the media.
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Helping Teens Tune-In to Their Common Sense
Teenagers are often interested in anything to do with their own development, physiology and behavior. This is especially true of the brain, since most teens know that the brain doesn’t fully develop until age 24 or 25. The frontal lobe, the part of the brain responsible for executive decision-making (or discretionary thinking) is the last to develop. Helping young people recognize the role of the frontal lobe and the challenges that they themselves, along with their peers, face as a result, helps them approach these challenges differently.
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