Gender Norms and Teens
Finding a Voice Amid the Noise
It’s the tale as old as time; one that we all have lived in our own way with our own personal stories.
Girls are expected to be affable; boys to be assertive. Girls are sensitive; boys are tough. Girls tend to nurture, boys tend to compete. The cultural forces that go into shaping the identities of boys, girls and non-binary teens are replete with gender expectations that have less to do with the individual essence of each teen, and more to do with the categories we are (consciously or no) happy to place them in.
That’s why I loved Barbie.
As someone who helps teens explore the negative impact of sexism on relationships, I was delighted to see a movie that portrays that impact so poignantly. Not everyone loves the movie like I do; some even hated it enough to walk out. But most agree it is a movie that makes you think.
Barbie displays patriarchy as silly and laughable. In various sardonic scenes that border on extreme, the men fight with each other, compete over women, and require female adulation as a prerequisite to power. Conversely, the women wait on the men through various roles like the sexy maid, and silence themselves in the process.
The plot takes Barbie (played by Margot Robbie) out of a matriarchal fantasy called “Barbie-land” into the “real world” where she is assaulted, taunted and sexualized at every turn. Conversely, Ken (played by Ryan Gosling), who is subjugated and repressed in Barbieland arrives in the real world where he gets introduced to Bro culture and is seduced by patriarchy.
In the real “real world” such displays would be as ludicrous as they were in the movie, were it not so deeply saturated in our culture, permeating the understanding we have of ourselves and each other.
Perhaps that’s why most women I’ve talked to have either cried or laughed (or both) while watching it. While there are fewer men I know to have seen it, those who have described it as “important,” “thought-provoking,” and “helps me look at the world differently.” Since writer and director Greta Gerwig took on patriarchy, making us think is likely the ultimate goal.
Barbie encourages us to wake up to the ridiculous aspects of any construct that positions one gender over another. And it makes clear that patriarchy is as damaging to men as it is to women. Ken ends up isolated and lonely after introducing patriarchy to Barbieland. “We have focused so much on fighting each other, we forgot who we are,” he says to the other men.
My friend Carla Sanders is a visionary mentor who assists women in claiming their feminine power. In response to Barbie she said, “Humor is a good way to open people up to difficult truth. But be aware of what you are laughing at.”
It’s our job to help young people be aware of the cultural forces that exist in the real world of teen-dom. Helping young men separate from toxic masculinity, helping young women claim themselves as authoritative and powerful in their sexuality but also in their essence, helping LGBTQ - plus teens have a voice and a supportive context to exercise that voice; these outcomes are not just given to young people. As was true for most of us growing up, they are outcomes to be fought for, in various ways, throughout life. Patriarchy has not relaxed its grip, in fact many would say its holding on tighter than ever.
So, how do we assist teens in exploring the subject of internalized patriarchy? Since teens are independent thinkers, we call upon their inner wisdom.
In class 2 of our course, which is always the favorite for our students, we help teens explore how cultural forces apply to them and the gender expectations they set for themselves. A few questions along the way include:
For Girls:
Have I ever felt pressure to “perform” in ways that were out of my comfort zone? Do I think it’s more important to please my partner than myself?
Whether now or in my future relationships, do I feel like I can communicate my boundaries and interests with a sexual partner?
For Boys:
If I ever felt that I was at-risk or that my personal boundaries were being threatened, would I tell someone or would I think that telling someone made me look weak?
Has pornography or the media affected my sexual expectations for myself and my future sex partners? If so, how?
For Gender-other and Queer teens:
Do I have confidence that I can talk to my friends or my family if I feel I’m at risk in my relationship?
Do I feel confident that I can communicate my boundaries in my present or future relationships?
While all the questions apply to all teens, we can easily identify the ways that gender expectations inform each category. We can picture that it might be harder for boys to report an experience of assault or harassment. We can understand girls struggling to express their own needs and desires. And, given homophobia, we can see that queer teens may struggle to communicate a risky situation to their parents when they may not be out of the closet yet.
Rea Perlman plays the role of Barbie’s original creator. Toward the end of the movie, she says to Barbie, “You look better” though Barbie has spent the day in tears over and over again as she sees the problems in the real world. She “looks better” because she’s no longer deceived, vapid or ill-informed. She is wearing the first signs of wisdom, rendering her vulnerable, powerful and real.
At Be Strong, Be Wise, it’s our privilege to help teens explore the subject of healthy versus toxic relationships. In today’s world, that includes exploring gender roles and where each teen finds themselves in a patriarchal system.
We would love to partner with your school or organization to support the youth you care about! Reach out for your free consultation at https://www.bestrongbewise.com/contact.
Empowered teens are safe teens!