When a Teen Has Been Cyber Bullied
How Adults Can Be Allies on the Road to Healing
Some of the most worrying experiences adults go through on behalf of young people have to do with people they will likely never meet, and a network of social connections they will likely never gain access to.
Cyber bullying takes many forms, and all of them can impact teens’ mental health. While we always want to encourage reporting, we also need to be the allies they turn to in managing the difficult feelings afterward. This may or may not include a discussion of the details of the bullying if a teen is unwilling to share, but will certainly include an acknowledgement of their thoughts and feelings. Oftentimes, helping teens manage thoughts and feelings is the only recourse adults have.
According to a recent PEW research poll, 46% of teens have experienced cyber bullying. When these behaviors occur, adults struggle to find a pathway forward. Limiting phone use is challenging and yet the more time an individual spends online, the more likely they will be targeted.
The PEW results state that: “Teens who say they are online almost constantly are not only more likely to have ever been harassed online than those who report being online less often (53% vs 40%), but are also more likely to have faced multiple forms of online abuse (37% vs. 21%).”
The frightening reality of cyber bullying leaves adults confused as to how to respond when a child may be struggling with depression, anxiety, and/or difficulty attending school due to having to face their abuser in class.
Equally challenging is the fact that many teens refuse to name the perpetrator of the abuse, even if they are known to the victim. Typical responses include normalizing the behavior, as I’ve witnessed my students do, repeatedly. “It’s just a normal part of middle school and high school,” many teen girls have stated. “I just block them and ignore it.”
And yet, there’s hope. The PEW study shows that while teens mostly believe that politicians and social media companies have not done enough to address the issue of cyber harassment and bullying, parents and other caring adults are rated positively. This makes sense; there’s a relationship in place, a connection that entails trust and commitment. In fact, the study indicates:
“Teens rate the anti-bullying efforts of five of the six groups measured in the survey more negatively than positively. Parents are the only group for which a majority of teens (59%) express a favorable view of their efforts.”
What are some steps that teens can take if they’ve been cyber bullied? The most common tips include:
Sign off the computer. Ignore the attacks and walk away from the cyberbully. Don't respond or retaliate.
Block the bully.
Save and print out bullying messages.
Tell a trusted adult.
While these are essential steps, they do nothing to address the negative thought forms that occur afterward, especially when the bullying involved insults to one’s physical appearance. The PEW study reports that, “31% of teens who have personally experienced online harassment or bullying think they were targeted because of their physical appearance.”
Cyberbullying can cause teens to suffer academically. There can be negative physical effects, including headaches, stomach aches, and sleeping problems. Victims may have trouble forming relationships with other people. They may be afraid to trust anyone and avoid socializing with others.
In working with assault survivors over many decades in clinical practice, I’ve observed common responses that result from victim-blame and shame. Therapy seeks to free the individual from the kind of thought patterns or “stuck points” that prevent healing.
While cyber bullying can never be compared to sexual assault, similar thought responses can occur, responses that impact self-esteem and the ability to navigate social arenas with confidence.
Since parents and caring adults are shown to have positive impact on anti-bullying efforts, here are some ways that adults can help teens get free from negative thought spirals:
Invite your teen to share their struggles with you. Are they suffering through a lot of negative self-talk? If so, what are the thoughts that are most difficult? Acknowledge these with respect and compassion.
Consider sharing a story from your own adolescence. What did you learn about yourself? How did you recover from similar challenges when you were young?
Remind them it’s not their fault. The way young people interact online may seem excessive to adults, but bullying is never the fault of the person being bullied.
Reassure them that there are people who can offer support, whether this is you, other teachers or professionals and services.
Remind teens that a bully’s goal is to cause harm, not relay the truth. Anything said when trying to cause harm can be held suspect.
Create a plan for connection. When a toxic relationship or comment causes pain, there are usually multiple alternative sources offering comfort. These can include close friends, a favorite pastime or family activity, a beloved pet, a creative project, journaling, or taking a digital detox.
Check in regularly to ensure your teen feels supported and is finding the balance that works for them. Ask about the thoughts and feelings that created “stuck points” in their thinking. Do they notice that when they seek out other forms of connection, they feel better about themselves?
Supporting teens with their online activity takes tremendous patience since most parents and teachers did not grow up with smart phones. Yet, most of us have some kind of lived experience of social rejection or bullying in childhood. The feelings that resulted then are likely similar to those happening now. The good news is that teens are saying they get the most support from the people who care the most.
At Be Strong, Be Wise, we see ourselves as Ally to the Allies. Our comprehensive Course for Youth addresses cyber harassment and bullying in a way that honors the complexity of the issue as well as the individual experience of each teen. For more information on all our course offerings, check out our curriculum page.