To Please or Pester
The Intersection of Gender Norms and Teen Dating Violence
During February’s Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, we have an opportunity to dig a little deeper into the forces affecting the choices teens make when it comes to something supremely important to them: dating.
In many ways, the birds and the bees function as they always have. Teens of all genders and preferences are drawn romantically and sexually to other teens of all genders and preferences and hopefully along the way, the healthy end goal is met: a reciprocal attraction.
But what happens when there is not a reciprocal attraction? What happens when the romance takes place via screens? Or under the influence? Or under coercion or manipulation?
BSBW’s Gender and Culture class always receives positive feedback from students because it allows teens the opportunity to talk openly about aspects of dating that are impactful to them, but that their parents might be mystified by, since they did not grow up in the digital age. And dating in the digital age has proven to be a game-changer. One need only read the headlines of the major newspapers to learn that social media companies are under fire for the devastating impact social media content has had on teens’ mental health.
“Dating” via screens feels like a whole new playing field for many parents and teachers who are unfamiliar with the practice. It can seem like there is no common ground left, no meeting place to share a discussion when the context is so changed from what we traditionally think of when it comes to romantic interest. BUT…
There are fundamental gender expectations involved in dating practice that have relentlessly stood the test of time, and that apply regardless of the change to the playing field in the digital age.
In a patriarchal culture, girls are still expected to be easy going, nice and friendly, while boys are expected to be aggressive, sexually assertive and tough. In her groundbreaking book, All About Love, Bell Hooks states, “Women are encouraged by sexist socialization to pretend and manipulate, to lie as a way to please…Males learn to lie as a way of obtaining power.” These gender norms, when taken to the extreme, can lead to enabling toxic behavior that may or may not include violence.
According to the CDC, female students experienced higher rates of physical and sexual dating violence than male students. Students who identified as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer (LGBTQ) or those who were unsure of their gender identity experienced higher rates of physical and sexual dating violence compared to students who identified as heterosexual.
Most often, a relationship doesn’t start out with displays of violence. It may begin with the opposite: flattery, giving of gifts, a desire for closeness. Along the way, however, a toxic partner will begin to show signs of violence, and rarely do these take the form of a physical action.
Power and control are two major motivating factors in a toxic partner, displays of which may begin in subtle ways, like a desire to check their partner’s phone, or comment on the clothes they prefer their partner to wear. It may include acts of jealousy, or demands on their partner’s time. It can involve sexual pestering, pushing their partner to engage in sexual activity before they have expressed readiness.
Studies show that rates of emotional and psychological abuse are far higher than physical violence for youth (youth.gov). As many as 76% of teens report emotional and psychological abuse during relationships.
A key factor in cultivating teens’ healthy response to toxic behavior, is to get them to pay attention to their emotional reaction when the behavior takes place. To pause and listen to that still small voice inside that might be heard in nothing more than a whisper: “Uh oh.”
Here is where social conditioning, again, plays a role. Girls who are used to suppressing their true feelings and needs, are likely to make excuses for the toxicity, or tell themselves that if they are patient, the behavior will change. In a desire to please their partner, they may acquiesce or even look for ways to enable the toxic requests.
Boys who are conditioned to be strong and fearless, may dismiss a partner’s toxic behavior, telling themselves to buck up and take it, to not be a “wuss.” Conversely, they might ignore and push past the signs that their partner is uncomfortable, engaging in toxic behavior like pestering, but telling themselves that it’s “just the way guys are.” Teens of all genders can unknowingly enable toxicity in a multitude of ways. And teens of all genders can engage in pleasing or pestering.
Deepak Chopra, the well-known spiritual teacher and author said, “The gut is often more reliable than the mind because the gut hasn’t learned self-doubt yet. Our job is often to learn to listen to the gut more than the mind.”
In class four of the BSBW course, another favorite among students, we take a deep dive into the brain and the functioning of the autonomic nervous system. The body is talking to us all the time, and for teens who haven’t cultivated the practice of listening to their intuitive signals, it’s crucial to offer a pathway where they learn how.
Girls can discover how to pause and listen, to then speak on behalf of their emotional and physical best interests. Boys who are conditioned to assertively push against another’s boundaries, learn how to listen to their gut signals that they might be going too far.
Adults can create conversation where we assist teens in exploring the still small voice, the gut reaction that is almost never wrong, but can easily be overridden by the dictates of the conditioned mind.
Here are some questions to ask along the way:
What does it feel like in your body when a romantic partner crosses a boundary, either physically or emotionally?
What does it feel like in your body when you might be crossing someone else’s boundaries because they are showing you signs they are uncomfortable?
Do you believe that you would tell someone (a friend, adult, family member or someone you trust) if a partner showed signs of toxic behavior?
Do you trust yourself to leave a relationship that is toxic before the abuse intensifies?
At Be Strong, Be Wise, we pride ourselves in keeping up-to-date on the forces affecting teens, with a goal toward partnering with the people who care the most, like parents and schools. For information on what parents and teachers, counselors and administrators, are saying about our course offerings, go to our testimonial page.